='(

i shouldn't have meet u in the first place, perhaps i wouldn't know how awful a heart-breaking feeling can be~~ Suddenly everything seems so wrong~~='(

unfair

Things nvr been fair rite?
i shud hav accept this fact earlier~~
Is this meaning that GOD is giving something that i need?
>>>the courage to accept any IMPERFECT, UNFAIR, IMPURITY in my life~~~

Again, the feeling is attacking me again~~~:(

~~

Yesterday about 8pm sms chai to ask whether he is free later....juz still not reli in mood, wanna go somewhere else rather than staying at home....not necessary need to talk, i'm ok if juz sitting der quietly doing ntg...i still dunno wad's wrong wiv me..

Well, 10.30pm, he came over to KLCC to pick me up n we went to Wing's cafe.....Nvr thought to 'drink' tonight....however since the wine's lover recommended me wan to hav 'drink' tonight? I said 'YES'....this is the first time i consume alcoholic drinks due to sadness....Last time whenever i drink, i drink it for fun.....Dis time i drink it wiv a purpose...maybe wanna get drunk, so dat i can get rid of wadever problem i'm having now....


~well, only 3...each of us share one a half bottle....the percentage of alcohol is so low n doesnt cause me to get drunk, juz abit dizzy~~~

~randomly

~so fast, christmas is coming soon......i hope this year i've got something to do wiv my christmas eve.....ah moi, spare that day for me ya...:p

~last glass of HOEGAARDEN WHITE BEER....

comment on the beer: The white beer we ordered yesterday was imported one, the waiter said so..so the taste is smoother than our local beer...It doesnt taste bitter n coarse at all..However, when i first drink juz like drinking tap water...cant reli feel dat it's beer...well, after few minutes, the alcohol start acting on me...can c dat i'm not a gd drink-er...i easily get drunk....well, my mind still clear, juz a lil bit dizzy~~

We talked quite lot today, about life, bout my problem...seems like i'm facing a blunt end in my life. I'm just 20, y am i feeling all this juz like i'm an old woman?haha, dun ask me y~~maybe i'm entering another phase of life... This one only time can heal~~

不要记得呼吸~~

如果，
如果我真的就这样逃离这个世界，
我会不会快乐一些？
我知道我不会。

前进也不对，倒退也不对，
现在是怎样？
不上不下，不前不后。。。

你们懂那种被撕裂的感觉吗？
你们懂那种不懂方向的感觉吗？
你们懂那种身边没有人的感觉吗？
你们懂当你们不懂自己要什么的感觉吗？

听着伍先生的‘需要你’，又让我想起不该想的画面。。。
现在真的相信了，
回忆是怎么都不会被潜意识遗忘的。。。
但，我想起的，
不是最近已经让我死心的你，
不是那个我已看透一切的你，
而是，很久很久以前，
那个我很想好好爱的你。。。

突然很想睡死就算了，
甘愿起身才起来。。。
当你已经不懂该怎么好好过活，
但生活还是你的全部时，
那种感觉是空到~~~~

可以将自己挖空吗？
可以掏空一切什么也不要想吗？
可以不要记得怎样呼吸吗？
可以不要记得那一首歌会想什么人，
不要记得那一种味道是属于哪一个人，
不要记得。。。

很想shut down一切一切~~~

wad i wan?

aduh~reli am dui ar today!!!personal sales reach about 2k, but got no commission!!!am dui or not!!!

Sigh, dun talk about dat~~it doesnt a matter for me though...

Talk about my life?
Well, so so lately, sometimes work sometimes not...
I get enough sleep everyday, i can eat well...
well, i'm healthy overall..

But y am i feeling dat again?
wad'll u c when u c a figure walking wiv no soul??
CORPSE!!
YA, u r right!!i hav no difference wiv corpse for the time being...
I feel dat i'm so darn poor~~
not in terms of money, but in terms of mentality development...

I know i'm not lacking of rest-ness,
i know i'm not lacking of sleeping hours,
money?dun think so...
i'm still living happily wiv my family...
i'm alright wiv my frens, maybe juz lack of contact lately...
i found dat i'm lazy to maintain a relationship,
so i think i deserve to be lonely all these while..

I always thought dat when i get enough rest, hav a reli gd time wiv myself,
no longer bz wiv uni stuff, no torturing exam, no burning midnight oil,
can lay at my cosy bed for 24 hours, can shop, i would get happier~~~
but no....
i'm not lacking of all those stuff, i'm not feeling happy or contented or wad so ever by getting rid of all those stuff that i always think dat they r scary n peeling me off~~

life would get terrible when the life planner-shud-be himself/herself has no further plan for his/her life, or the life planner got ntg to do wiv his/her life...
I think those busy ppl would feel like punching me and beating me up for not appreciating the precious leisure hours that i've got....
ya, i know i'm wasting my life..
i got no passion in my life anymore....
i dunno wad is a meaningful life anymore...
i dunno wad i wan~~~

#if i got a perfect boyfriend aka dream man currently, am i happy?
if i got a platinum card, n i can shop wad so ever i wan without the need to clear the monthly statement, will i feel contented?
if i'm now living in a bungalow wiv perfect designed, highclass furniture, need not to worry bout my living, will i get happier?
if my life is now full with party, activities, learning all the stuff i wished to learn without worrying the tuition fees, will i get happier?
if my life story juz like those 'disney movie', live happily every after with my lovely family, n ppl whom i love, am i reli happy?#

The answer is NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!NONE OF THAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPIER~~
then GOD, Plz Tell Me Wad I Wan??!!

WAD I RELI WAN HUH??
WAD I RELI WAN?
WAD I RELI WAN?
WAD I RELI WAN?




~WHO CAN GIV ME A SOLUTION?AN ANSWER?~




I'M LOST

i'm sick

I'm sick...whole body-ache....
mentally sick, mentally body-ache...
but how those suppose-be physically sickness will all become mentally sickness?
i was/am moody, i got no ohm to do almost everything,
i was/am numb to the things surround me,
i felt dat my body is pain all over the corner and side,
superiorly, inferiorly, anteriorly and posteriorly....
why is it so?
u will soon understand when u missing someone sooooo badly juz like i'm doing now~~

finally i do really understand the exact meaning of 想念是会呼吸的痛....
it's so abstract but yet u can feel it so real......

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上每个角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛
连沉默都痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛




haiz, kenapa rasa macam tak jadi ni~~:(

说好的，幸福呢~

今早被简讯吵醒。。。
今天不是很有心情。。。
弟弟，那个周杰伦迷，听着周董的新歌，说好的幸福呢。。。
突然很伤感。。。

戒不掉

就像毒瘾一样，碰了就戒不掉。。。
就像陷阱一样，跌了就逃不了。。。
就像你一样，存在过就忘不掉。。。
是宿命吗？

假期这么久，昨天惠的一句话就讲进心坎里。。。
每个人都有过去，但为什么今天的我还是背着过去在过活？
惠问的每一个问题，我都很认真思考，然而我给的答案都不是标准该给的。
省思，高尚的人格和卑贱的地位，原来真的只是一线之差。。。
那我是前者，还是后者?

反差太大，为什么单纯的大学生活在假期后就变了样？
以为这四年会帮我重新洗礼，但半年后才发现，
形成了的污点，只能暂时性覆盖，并不能永久性去除的，
就像纹身一样，就算去掉后，那种痛你还是会牢记心里。。。

找不到一个平台，可以真正让我肆无忌惮地说出我要说的。。。
因为我知道，这种心情，真的真的只有走过的人才知道。

#...如果你不曾出现，我会不会觉得快乐一些...#
#...我搞不懂我们到底怎么了...我想不透我们到底怎么了...#
SHE的歌反复播放着，在脑海中。。。

~如果你要上天眷顾你，你就要自爱一点~
刹那间，我开始相信报应这种东西，如果我抢了或破坏了一个比我还单纯的女生的幸福，我就一定不会得到幸福。。。


~如果是外面十五六岁就踏入社会工作的，ok，那个我没话讲；可是你是大学生耶！你有受教育的啊！~
是大学生又怎样，大学生不等于angel。


*其实，原文比现在你们读着的长很多，但我也删了很多。挣扎了很久，我还是选择性的逃避。*

当亲吻的出发点不再是爱时~

~当亲吻的出发点不再是爱时。。。那种关系能维持多久？


今天才发现，
一个女人最没有价值的时候，
不是因为被别人蹂躏，
不是因为被外人诬蔑，
不是因为自己的私生活很糟糕，
而是，
当她开始会可怜自己的时候。。。

生日。。。快乐

很快，365天又过了。

长越大，就越不期待生日的到来。

我知道不是因为自己慢慢变老的事实，

毕竟这个是事实。

何必为了这个而难过。。。

也许，寂寞在作祟吧。。。

朋友都以为今天我会有节目，

其实我什么节目都没有。。。

待在家吧~

24小时，不会很长罢了。。。

没有庆祝，没有蛋糕，

但要一个生日愿望应该不会很过分吧！

不多，一个就好~~

想用另一个365天，

去实现上一个365天没办法做到的事情。。。

原来，有些事情，

用了一年的时间，也是做不到的。。。

#谢谢朋友们的祝福，我都收到了^^#

最期待的那封，终究没有出现在手机屏幕。。。:(

hw 2 make my mind calm?

How come my stress-point can be such low?

hardly to be motivated by anyone right now.....

refresh back, how i manage to survive during my f6 life?

but y now i couldnt make it?

y?

running low in battery....where is the source for me to recharge?

ms said, others said uni life is easier sure hav their reason, juz i haven find the key way...

but i hav lost my direction now, the world is endless end for me....

where to start?

我现在只需要一句话，一句可以让我重新找到动力的话。。。



#真想掏空一切，想让自己空一点，我很想真正的休息一番。。。#

-------------

最近的mind都calm不下来。。。告诉irene老师，在做瑜伽时，并没有觉得平静，所以导致balancing出了问题。。。

真的，思绪在我的脑海里就像海一样波动着，根本没有一刻是平静下来的。醒了都不觉得自己睡过。。。科学证实了we dream to forget。这几个礼拜，我真的碰到形形色色的梦，但我似乎还忘不了那些不愉快的事情。。。然后就拼命寻找寄托，真的是寄托也好，安慰自己也好，就是希望有样东西在后面支撑着我。第二次觉得自己失去了方向。。。

身体状况亮了红灯。每晚没有两点我是睡不着的。。。可能作息不正常，搞到荷尔蒙失调，最烦就是荷尔蒙失调的！！

压力吧！肩上的包袱越扛越重。。。没有出口，这才是问题。。。电话簿由A-Z，都不懂可以找谁聊。。。第一次觉得自己真的需要一个心理医生。。。

c'est la vie

心情蓝蓝的，觉得生活失去了重心。。。
想寻找一个寄托，任何类型都好，就是让我有个方向。。。
自己真的走对了吗?
今天逛了文具店，有股冲动想买水彩和图画纸，就很想画画。。。
但还是没买，知道自己做不到。。。
心有余儿力不足的感觉很难受。。。
没办法，
东西也会有它不公平的 时候，
这就是生活，
那么的起伏不定。。。。。
‘家家有本难念的经’，
这句不讲还好，
朋友一讲了，
竟然有股想哭的冲动。。。。。

重伤~

这次跌得很重。。。
过了一天，心情还是很烂，很蓝。。。
第二次崩溃了。。。
这次散落满地的心，真的不知道要从哪里开始收拾。。。
朋友都叫我不要想太多，
我说，
给我几天的时间。。。
我也知道几天的时间有点长，
我也知道一个小考不是大学四年的一切。。。
但这一跌真的是太重太重了。。。
重到我需要去见DR.KO，整个Forensics Department最大的head。
都是给那个'except'的字害死，
再给那个 'Discuss in length bone information that u can obtained from a bone.'险到，
我觉得整part MCQ，我是拿0的。。。
essay part那个bone information就拿多一粒0了。。。
下个星期去见DR，我怕我又再一次崩溃。。。
告诉我，
要怎样追回来？
senior说sem 1是最好score的，
我的mid-sem test 都烂到这样，怎么办？
我真的不知道我几时才会‘回来’，
信心真的完全没有了。。。:'(

can i hav one more chance?

when meet wiv a wrong guy, i rather be alone....

i'm regret........

i cried~~

broke down finally......:'(

i need a break...

i think...

i need a long break....

yes, i was kinda blue today,

i'm tired...

i'm having bodyache as yesterday practised dance so hard....

when i was in the room,

it has started to rain...

rainy day make me even blue...

suddenly,

i miss everything out in a sudden...

while listening to the music...

i think other uni student is having their mid-sem break currently...

but i hav to stay in hostel till the next week....

it's already second week i dont go home, next week either...

i cant even make it a day by the time i'm staying so near....

:'(

bangi orientation week~

Well, will off to bangi for one week for the orientation week.....wont be on9 for about one week or even more than one week...

A lil bit upset when the person who sending u der isnt ur family....:(

blue blue~

Juz received kah mun's msg: THINKING BACK ON OUR MEMORIES. EVERYTHING THAT WE'VE DONE TOGETHER. ALL THE LAUGHTERS AND CRIES. ALL THE JOYS AND PAINS. IT'S LIKE JUZ YESTERDAY. THE DAY WENT BY TOO FAST. I REALLY MISS THE TIME WE HAD TOGETHER. ALL THESE ARE OUR SWEET MEMORIES! MY DEAR FREN, MUST TAKE CARE OH! FRIENDSHIP 4EVER...

I dunno how to describe the feel now.....juz now Geo called, i told him my current mood neither happy nor sad...juz very blue...start from tml, my life would change....am i thinking too much? Y am i so emotion today....

My life has entered to another new phase.....learning how to accept every new things that will soon appear in my life....

Life circle juz like the metamorphosis, before entering the next phase to a better person, we muz go thru all the hardship, experience the pain.....

I'll be missing every single moment wiv my girls, my SJI gang, my yam cha gang n frens.....

压力~

汽油涨价了，什么东西都跟着涨。

爸爸刚刚在放话，说他手头很紧，要我开学后继续做工，自己赚pocket money，不会再support我一分一毫了。刚刚拿到的1.5k明天要按出来还给他，因为yuran pendaftaran的rm1410是他帮我缴的。现在连我的手头都紧了。弟弟的pocket money也被cut了，看来遭殃的不止我一个。

还以为开学后要努力读个first class honour出来，搏个奖学金出国读，怎么说forensic science在外国还是比较吃香的。现在想起自己未来的生活都有点恐怖了。连主任都叫我辞工，要我专心读书，现在怎么办？

其实满伤感的。爸爸会要我们省，为什么之前他自己都不会省？尤其是他那两车!!!!!!他那辆hyundai coupe一个月的供期就是我读大学一年的学费，是一年的学费。我不是夸张哦！我看过他开给银行的支票。每次想到学费，我就想到他的车。

都不懂这篇post要怎么写下去了。。。自己也是很压力的。。。

要学会苦中作乐~